A Staring Contest With Truth

Every now and then, I have faced these moments in life. I don't quite know what to call them. They aren't epiphanies, per se. They are just moments when truth faces you square in the face and you have to decide whether to jump or to walk away. A moment when you realize your excuses are void, your fears are silly, and your risk is great. Jump, maybe fly, maybe crash and burn. Or. Walk away.

I had one of these moments tonight. My love unknowingly laid the beautiful truth in front of me and I was left quiet. Usually extreme exhaustion, tears, and faith give these truths stunning clarity. I am so human. I still don't know why this fact brings me great terror and distress. Yet, I spend most of my moments laying my failings before me as convincing proof that I should just not try. Proof that my dreams will be abandoned by me. Proof that I will mess up and somehow throw the universe off kilter. Proof that people will be disappointed, will leave, and never return. Then, I look back at my train of thought, realize how self-centered I must be to think I could have that impact and continue the bashing party.

How does this cycle start? Why does it continue?

At some point, I either need to start living what I have been preaching or eventually, I will look back and regret all of my hesitation. If I truly believe this life is temporary and a more complete place is waiting for me, why can't I just step out of my insecurities and figure out what the heck I actually believe I should be doing?

Live like those who love me won't leave. Live like those who love me will eventually leave. Live like my dreams will come true. Live like my dreams will crash, burn, and regrow. Live without fear of the world. Live respecting everyone, even those I don't like or agree with. Live fighting for what I believe in, advocating for peace, speaking of utopia, and believing it can come true, all while understanding it won't. Live in faith, holding my beliefs, thoughts, and opinions with an open hand, knowing full well that truth will not waiver and another's view is valid, as well. Live accepting my faults, working to change, and being content with sometimes staying the same. Live boldly. Live wisely. Live like I could die tomorrow. Live like I could live forever and be stuck with the world I am molding and making. Live knowing my weaknesses and strengths. Live for me. Live for others. Above all live for God who makes all things whole.

I am tired of hiding. Yet, I am a forgetful human being. I am sure tomorrow I will once again struggle with being bold. I will make excuses and have my doubts. The moment will face me once again.

One of my greatest joys in finding my love is finding someone who is my moment. He is my truth standing in front of me. He loves me enough to hold me. He loves me enough to tell me like it is. With him, I am not so afraid to find the strength hidden deep in me. I cannot say what I want to be when I grow up. I will not pick one dream to follow. I can live my life in defiance of a system I truly disagree with. People will come and people will go. I will gain and I will lose. Still, if I live holding truth as my sword and faith as my shield, I will live each second in an adventure that will rival every book and legend. All I have to do is live.

A Post-Abyss Life in a Pre-Abyss World

I believe a person happens upon the abyss at least once in his or her life. Generally as humans, we try to avoid this abyss by covering it up with language and patterns of behavior to follow. Heaven forbid we look into the unknown. Of course, I am borrowing these ideas from Kenneth Burke. Let's give credit where credit is due. Over the past few years, I have spent a fair amount of time thinking through the process of the abyss as a refining journey. After studying several world religions, I began to notice a pattern of language. Each religion seemed to be calling for true faith, the pursuit of something counter to the way of the world. In this pursuit, one would find peace, oneness, salvation, etc... Christianity was one religion that I saw trying to call for a life after the journey through the abyss, whereas many other, by my interpretation, seemed to be ending at the arrival of the abyss. I thought this was a lovely revelation. See, if language was keeping us away from the abyss, then I believed language was also the key to the abyss. However, worldly language is flawed. Originally, when Adam was told to name the animals, he gave them something: life, a presence, purpose, a place. Instead of the name dividing and restricting, I believe the name was to be creative as God's words were creative. Now, when we use language to name, it does restrict, divide, and remove essence. Something changed. Now, we name to gain control of something. We say this is understanding. I disagree. Anyways, if humans require language but the abyss was a way of breaking down our current structure to bring us to a new structure, language needs to be changed in the abyss. For those working through tragedy, there is often a period of silence. Words fail. I believe story then becomes essential to finding a way out of the abyss.

Today, I began to wonder once one is out of the abyss, how does one live in a society that is pre-abyss. If the entire structure of thinking, living, functioning is changed but one still remains in the web of pre-abyss thinking, living, functioning, how does daily life work? Is all of that journey forgotten? Does one find others who match the post-abyss change? Does one go off-grid?

Lately, my life has become normal in most assumed senses of the word. After a great shift and change in my life, I found a steady job, a steady boyfriend, a steady family, and a few steady friends. Yet, something in me is extremely restless. I feel like the revelation I had from my brief moments in the abyss have been forgotten or passed over in daily life. I don't know how to live out what I learned. Society seems to fight against it. Despite all of my uncertainties, I still have faith. Faith does not fade so easily. I talk to people who are older and wiser than me and see the faded passion. Now, I am starting to notice it in myself. I have grown lazy and selfish. I don't want to go through all the extra work of thinking differently or talking differently. When did I give up? I am sure I will journey through the abyss many more times in my life. Right now, though, I think I am climbing up a mountain. Maybe I just gave up climbing and am sitting in a cave, looking back at my valley, and trying to see through the fog to the beautiful land I saw when I first emerged.

Thoughts Concerning Media and Violence

My brain is overwhelmed right now, and I have to put it to page to sort it out. The thoughts are certainly not pleasant ones and are focused on, of course, the media focus on violence. Throughout history, power is displayed by the acquisition of technology (a.k.a resources). Back when the written word was only for a select few, the technology was used as a tool to control and display power. Land, I would argue is a technology as it is an extension of our ability to create life. Land was used to control and display power, as well. Weapons are an obvious display of power. Still, I was wondering this morning what is our tool of choice is in today's world. Twitter, Facebook, Blogger...social media is the language of today. I am curious if one looked at past instances of violence if a theme of power would arise. The technology of the time shows power. However, many are arguing media today is praising violence and this is causing widespread violent attacks. I am unsure if it is possible to prove without a doubt that media mirrors society or society mirrors media. The argument becomes a chicken or the egg discussion. Perhaps the issue is our apparent obsession with death and disaster. In general, we are drawn to disaster. When a car accident occurs, we slow down as we drive past, fixated on every detail of gore and glass. When a storm is approaching, we listen in for death counts and stories of destruction. I am not saying we are pleased by the incidents but we are certainly drawn by them. In some ways, I am reminded of Rome. Rome was captivated by blood and gore in the arena. How similar are we to that? I don't think we pop some popcorn and pull up our chairs in joy to hear about children being shot and incident after incident of death occurring. However, we are obsessed with each occurrence. Our media fixates on it. Our discussions revolve around it. We dissect, analyze, and critique. Perhaps, we fixate to accumulate information in hopes to prevent the same incident in our lives. As a culture, we are certainly obsessed with death. We want to beat it in every way possible. To us, death is an unnatural part of being. We avoid it and are afraid of it. I do wonder if this is because despite our continual attempts to name it to control it (thank you, Burke), death still beats us. We can only name what occurs before death. We can name what our bodies might do during the process of death. However, we cannot truly name and control anything after death or even what occurs right before death. Our only opportunity to grasp control and knowledge is when we ourselves are at our time of death.

I am sure I will have more thoughts but I just needed to put the rambling somewhere.

A Lesson in Logical Fallacies and Angel Choirs

Today, I am not writing a love letter. I am writing an angry, I-hate-political-season letter. Originally, I wanted to make this post a short lesson in logical fallacies. Then, I realized doing so would require me to dig out my old textbooks and decided that was too much work. However, I do feel a need to throw my input into the loud array of obnoxious opinions.

1. While an over-generalization may contain a small, tiny, itsy-bitsy piece of truth, it should not be used as logical proof.
2. Using a few words someone once said taken out of context also should not be used as logical proof.

*Pause* You may be thinking, "Marlise, aren't all political ads I've ever seen since I was born using both 1 & 2 to prove they are awesome and their opponent is Satan's spawn?" Now, I must first remind you not to over-generalize. However, I'll be darned if I can think of one I've seen yet that hasn't used some silly, logical fallacy. Unfortunately, I've discovered while watching TV with my grandparents, WE RESPOND TO NONSENSE! That's right.  Some more irritations I have...

3. Maybe I am messing up my timeline a bit but didn't the whole world's economy crash right about the same time ours did? I could only conclude from such information that either a. Obama killed the world or b. perhaps all economies, regardless of leader, party, or status, hit a low point due to a normal ebb and flow. Or...wait for it....... aliens.

4. Number four is half my rant and half another individual's rant. We keep waiting for the President to fix our world and create jobs. I'm not exactly sure how we think the President will create jobs. Perhaps, he could open a new clothing line and hire all recent college graduates to sew, sell, and model said clothing line. Sound fun?

5. A continuation of number 4... many individuals seem to be angry about a few promises that the President did or did not keep. Several thoughts on this:
a. Are we assuming that broad, sweeping promises are going to come to fruition as we imagined them?
b. I think making promises in order to gain votes is ridiculous and dangerous. However, time seems to prove that without promises the general public will not be swayed to vote. Therefore, who is truly at fault? The chicken. Maybe the egg. Also, due to entertainment and exaggerated ideas of the definition of freedom, the general public appears to thrive off of overly-Utopian claims of change. Newsflash: There is only one person who can fix every problem we have ever had and HIS NAME IS JESUS, FRIEND OF SINNERS. JESUS, JESUS. FRIEND OF MIIIIIIIIIINE! Sorry, the music was swelling around me, and I had to join. Moving this rant on...

I cannot think of any more irritations because a choir of singing angels just interrupted my train of thought. Also, I need to leave for work. The end.

Strength in Weakness

If God's intent was to wear me down so I'd no longer have strength to hold it together, he succeeded. He has my attention and all of my body weight. I just want to work with youth and make a difference in those who need love most. I left the place I love and people I depend on to come to Iowa so I could do that. That potential is disappearing fast. Where is my place here? I'm so worn out from saying goodbye, moving, and starting up the grueling process once again of job finding. One positive...Iowa certainly brings out the writer in me. I'm far from eloquent and I am simply thought vomiting on a page but it is writing nonetheless. None of the straws I normally grasp at for substance exists here. Merry Christmas. Oh hello God. Yes, I remember praying for your guidance. Yes, I want to mirror your heart. Yes, I suppose the best way for me to follow is to have only you, your truth, your voice leading me. Alright, I concede. 

The growing out stage

I think I have managed to line the stages of my hair with the stages of my life. As I am sure you have noticed by my "close to mullet" hair styles, my life is also in an " awkward to fashion and general humanity" stage. I am responding by using headbands, hats, and pins more than usual. My life is also being dressed up so as not to appear miserable beyond all reason. I went from having tons of friends who love hanging out with me and who find my strangeness entertaining to having my grandparents and my parents who find my strangeness, well, strange. I went from living in an exciting, vibrant, busy city to living in Sioux City. I'm not really sure how to trim the mullet out of my life but I sure am going to try and trim it out of my hair.

Resting in the In-between

I find myself lying anxiously on my bed wishing desperately to be with people. For the past two weeks, I spent every waking second running around seeing people, having deep conversations, keeping late hours. Now, my life has ground to a halt. My mind keeps racing through names of anyone I know in Iowa, grasping at straws to busy my life up. God brought me here in a sudden change. I got excited and my heart gained momentum. I've been here one day and already I feel like I'm back to waiting. I am terrible at taking rest when God gives me the in between. Iowa moves so much slower than New York and I'm positively twitching. I'm back to square one and I don't like it one bit. How do you make friends? I forget how to live in this environment. Here, people need to be sought out. There rarely exists a happening upon a kindred spirit. I know God is simply removing distractions so I can be with him. I've gotten so used to the high stress, high activity life of college that I've forgotten how to enjoy the moments of pause. I feel like a kid who got into the cookie jar and ate all the food I'm hyped up on sugar but know I'm headed for a bad stomach ache if I keep the energy on full blast. Lord, help me rest in the unknown space of the in-between.