When will I get the following in my head:
If I don't do something now for me, then having a guy by my side won't change my actions.
Seriously, why is this one so hard for me? I do this all the time. I don't always use the absent guy as an excuse.
"I will just procrastinate my homework. When it is a really big assignment or project, I won't." Really, Marlise?
"I'll start praying for everything and about everything when life gets important." I don't even need to comment on this one.
How about the really subtle excuse? "I'll believe I'm loved when a guy says it." Come on! God says it every day! If I can't believe the maker of the universe, then how the bloody heck am I supposed to believe the mere mortal?
How I feel is maybe 10% circumstance and 90% personal perspective. Once I fully process this fact, I should be well on my way to a stress-free life. Challenge accepted.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Forced Silence
I lost my voice. I had no idea how frustrating being inaudible would be. I've had this perpetual sickness that will not leave. The newest progression was a loss of voice. Funny, I spend most days at home in silence but when you have no option except silence, life is quiet indeed. I was incredibly frustrated. I went to go spend my "quiet" time with God and quickly realized I usually spend my time singing. Fail. Angry, I started ranting at God. How was I supposed to spend quality time with him when I couldn't make a sound?!?!
Lightbulb.
You know those incredibly obvious epiphanies? Bingo. Now, I am not saying that God purposefully took my voice away on the last day of the fast. I am not even saying, if you are an incredibly stubborn person who won't pause two seconds to do what you know you need to, God will bring an unexpected sickness upon you and smite your voice. However, I certainly think he takes advantage of situations like forced silence. After pouting, I picked up my Bible and read until I was tired. Simple. Yet, today my voice returned and I walked away with a bit of truth. Sometimes, I need to be okay with shutting my mouth and listening.
Lightbulb.
You know those incredibly obvious epiphanies? Bingo. Now, I am not saying that God purposefully took my voice away on the last day of the fast. I am not even saying, if you are an incredibly stubborn person who won't pause two seconds to do what you know you need to, God will bring an unexpected sickness upon you and smite your voice. However, I certainly think he takes advantage of situations like forced silence. After pouting, I picked up my Bible and read until I was tired. Simple. Yet, today my voice returned and I walked away with a bit of truth. Sometimes, I need to be okay with shutting my mouth and listening.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Mattress Diary of the Internet
I delete my blogs like nobody's business. The idea of these posts collectively combining into an overall picture of me freaks me out. What if I wrote something while particularly under the influence of melancholy? What if people start to think I am some depressing writer pretending to be artistic with my whiny thoughts? Delete. The whole hiding your diary under your mattress is definitely the way to go. I can't help but write me. How do people do it? I also have to be the most inconsistent blogger on this planet. I go through stages of poetry, short story, and rambling nonsense. There is a slight possibility that I forget about posting on schedule, write in rampages, and then disappear for a few months. Is this normal?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Uncharted Waters
I have always been perfectly comfortable with change. I learned this trait from my father. In fact, I tend to crave change. I hate being stagnant. I also am fairly comfortable with the unknown. I find the unknown poetic and exciting. The unknown is something new I can experience. However, I stand here in my last semester of college thoroughly startled at my concern and fear of change and the unknown. I am at a point in my life where I want to start living my passion, my calling. I know God has placed something big on my heart. I love people. A sunset will leave me speechless and a night full of stars thrills me to the bones. Still, the most beautiful creation God has yet to make is the human being. Each is packaged with an intense longing for him and a call on his or her life. Beautiful!
I desire so much to make a difference. Now, instead of just finding change, I want to be change. I don't want to work for a company that has no heart for the lost and hungry. I don't want to go to school looking for some letters to add to my name. I don't want to be stuck in the daily grind of habitual apathy. I want to wake up every morning driven by God, passionate about my work, and seeing a difference made. I worry I am being foolish. In an economy that is failing, I worry my dreams are irresponsible. There is a little voice that tells me recklessly pursuing God's plan is futile and foolish. I am so sick of that voice. It is the voice of the world, the voice of reason, the voice of fear. It is a liar.
God has yet to leave me hanging in a dark place all alone. He has yet to abandon me. He has yet to forget about me. Why would he start now? My deepest desires are of him. He has reassured me time and time again that what I long for is worthy and not worldly. I desire passion. I long to be effective. I want to be a wife and a mother, supporting my family and helping them grow. I want to be an asset to my community. I want to help the church. I long to be a working part of the body of Christ. I have no idea how my gifts and talents mix into a job position. I cannot fathom a man who is not afraid to passionately pursue God's will in his life and also pursue me. I cannot imagine a world where my deepest heart combines with reality. Still, I know God has promised it to be. Somehow, God always puts it together.
I was worried about finding an internship. The first day of the semester, I had an interview and was offered the internship of my dreams. Every day, I get to do something new and creative, finding ways to help an organization that has a heart for the hungry and poor. Clearly, God's got this covered. I know my responsibility is now to dig into his Word and spend more time in prayer. The work he is preparing me for is too big to neglect. I cannot step in my wisdom anymore. I need to step in his. I cannot think in my thoughts anymore. I need to think in his. Being full of dreams and ideas is good, but I need to be grounded in God. I need to glue my feet to the Rock on the bottom before I stick my head in the clouds. I have no idea where my next step is. I need to be okay with that. I want to get back the childish excitement I used to have gazing at the unknown and uncharted waters. I want to stand sturdy at the helm, eyes fiery with passion, heart abandoned to God, and ship coursing ahead, blown by the Spirit of God.
I desire so much to make a difference. Now, instead of just finding change, I want to be change. I don't want to work for a company that has no heart for the lost and hungry. I don't want to go to school looking for some letters to add to my name. I don't want to be stuck in the daily grind of habitual apathy. I want to wake up every morning driven by God, passionate about my work, and seeing a difference made. I worry I am being foolish. In an economy that is failing, I worry my dreams are irresponsible. There is a little voice that tells me recklessly pursuing God's plan is futile and foolish. I am so sick of that voice. It is the voice of the world, the voice of reason, the voice of fear. It is a liar.
God has yet to leave me hanging in a dark place all alone. He has yet to abandon me. He has yet to forget about me. Why would he start now? My deepest desires are of him. He has reassured me time and time again that what I long for is worthy and not worldly. I desire passion. I long to be effective. I want to be a wife and a mother, supporting my family and helping them grow. I want to be an asset to my community. I want to help the church. I long to be a working part of the body of Christ. I have no idea how my gifts and talents mix into a job position. I cannot fathom a man who is not afraid to passionately pursue God's will in his life and also pursue me. I cannot imagine a world where my deepest heart combines with reality. Still, I know God has promised it to be. Somehow, God always puts it together.
I was worried about finding an internship. The first day of the semester, I had an interview and was offered the internship of my dreams. Every day, I get to do something new and creative, finding ways to help an organization that has a heart for the hungry and poor. Clearly, God's got this covered. I know my responsibility is now to dig into his Word and spend more time in prayer. The work he is preparing me for is too big to neglect. I cannot step in my wisdom anymore. I need to step in his. I cannot think in my thoughts anymore. I need to think in his. Being full of dreams and ideas is good, but I need to be grounded in God. I need to glue my feet to the Rock on the bottom before I stick my head in the clouds. I have no idea where my next step is. I need to be okay with that. I want to get back the childish excitement I used to have gazing at the unknown and uncharted waters. I want to stand sturdy at the helm, eyes fiery with passion, heart abandoned to God, and ship coursing ahead, blown by the Spirit of God.
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