Every now and then, I have faced these moments in life. I don't quite know what to call them. They aren't epiphanies, per se. They are just moments when truth faces you square in the face and you have to decide whether to jump or to walk away. A moment when you realize your excuses are void, your fears are silly, and your risk is great. Jump, maybe fly, maybe crash and burn. Or. Walk away.
I had one of these moments tonight. My love unknowingly laid the beautiful truth in front of me and I was left quiet. Usually extreme exhaustion, tears, and faith give these truths stunning clarity. I am so human. I still don't know why this fact brings me great terror and distress. Yet, I spend most of my moments laying my failings before me as convincing proof that I should just not try. Proof that my dreams will be abandoned by me. Proof that I will mess up and somehow throw the universe off kilter. Proof that people will be disappointed, will leave, and never return. Then, I look back at my train of thought, realize how self-centered I must be to think I could have that impact and continue the bashing party.
How does this cycle start? Why does it continue?
At some point, I either need to start living what I have been preaching or eventually, I will look back and regret all of my hesitation. If I truly believe this life is temporary and a more complete place is waiting for me, why can't I just step out of my insecurities and figure out what the heck I actually believe I should be doing?
Live like those who love me won't leave. Live like those who love me will eventually leave. Live like my dreams will come true. Live like my dreams will crash, burn, and regrow. Live without fear of the world. Live respecting everyone, even those I don't like or agree with. Live fighting for what I believe in, advocating for peace, speaking of utopia, and believing it can come true, all while understanding it won't. Live in faith, holding my beliefs, thoughts, and opinions with an open hand, knowing full well that truth will not waiver and another's view is valid, as well. Live accepting my faults, working to change, and being content with sometimes staying the same. Live boldly. Live wisely. Live like I could die tomorrow. Live like I could live forever and be stuck with the world I am molding and making. Live knowing my weaknesses and strengths. Live for me. Live for others. Above all live for God who makes all things whole.
I am tired of hiding. Yet, I am a forgetful human being. I am sure tomorrow I will once again struggle with being bold. I will make excuses and have my doubts. The moment will face me once again.
One of my greatest joys in finding my love is finding someone who is my moment. He is my truth standing in front of me. He loves me enough to hold me. He loves me enough to tell me like it is. With him, I am not so afraid to find the strength hidden deep in me. I cannot say what I want to be when I grow up. I will not pick one dream to follow. I can live my life in defiance of a system I truly disagree with. People will come and people will go. I will gain and I will lose. Still, if I live holding truth as my sword and faith as my shield, I will live each second in an adventure that will rival every book and legend. All I have to do is live.
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