Strength in Weakness

If God's intent was to wear me down so I'd no longer have strength to hold it together, he succeeded. He has my attention and all of my body weight. I just want to work with youth and make a difference in those who need love most. I left the place I love and people I depend on to come to Iowa so I could do that. That potential is disappearing fast. Where is my place here? I'm so worn out from saying goodbye, moving, and starting up the grueling process once again of job finding. One positive...Iowa certainly brings out the writer in me. I'm far from eloquent and I am simply thought vomiting on a page but it is writing nonetheless. None of the straws I normally grasp at for substance exists here. Merry Christmas. Oh hello God. Yes, I remember praying for your guidance. Yes, I want to mirror your heart. Yes, I suppose the best way for me to follow is to have only you, your truth, your voice leading me. Alright, I concede. 

The growing out stage

I think I have managed to line the stages of my hair with the stages of my life. As I am sure you have noticed by my "close to mullet" hair styles, my life is also in an " awkward to fashion and general humanity" stage. I am responding by using headbands, hats, and pins more than usual. My life is also being dressed up so as not to appear miserable beyond all reason. I went from having tons of friends who love hanging out with me and who find my strangeness entertaining to having my grandparents and my parents who find my strangeness, well, strange. I went from living in an exciting, vibrant, busy city to living in Sioux City. I'm not really sure how to trim the mullet out of my life but I sure am going to try and trim it out of my hair.

Resting in the In-between

I find myself lying anxiously on my bed wishing desperately to be with people. For the past two weeks, I spent every waking second running around seeing people, having deep conversations, keeping late hours. Now, my life has ground to a halt. My mind keeps racing through names of anyone I know in Iowa, grasping at straws to busy my life up. God brought me here in a sudden change. I got excited and my heart gained momentum. I've been here one day and already I feel like I'm back to waiting. I am terrible at taking rest when God gives me the in between. Iowa moves so much slower than New York and I'm positively twitching. I'm back to square one and I don't like it one bit. How do you make friends? I forget how to live in this environment. Here, people need to be sought out. There rarely exists a happening upon a kindred spirit. I know God is simply removing distractions so I can be with him. I've gotten so used to the high stress, high activity life of college that I've forgotten how to enjoy the moments of pause. I feel like a kid who got into the cookie jar and ate all the food I'm hyped up on sugar but know I'm headed for a bad stomach ache if I keep the energy on full blast. Lord, help me rest in the unknown space of the in-between.

I am done

I am ready to live life differently. I am tired of being caught up in worldly woes and fears. I am disgusted with my obsession with capitalism and possessions. I would rather be dirt poor and happy than rich and friendless. I have such a longing to see broken people healed and the power of God restored to this earth. I don't want to hear the demand of money, the scream of success, or the taunting of perfection anymore. I am done wasting my time, my energy, and my resources on empty concerns. I am being given an opportunity to live differently, to make a difference, to heal past wounds. I would be foolish to not walk in the middle of God's will. I will no longer fear being seen as crazy, irresponsible, delusional, or idealistic. I have lived far too long thinking God's truths and not living them.

I don't want worldly success, provision, or lust. I believe God blesses. However, I refuse to believe that blessing is a wealth of money, stuff, or occupational success. I want to be able to look back on my life and count the tears wept in joy and healing instead of counting the coins in my purse. I want to look back and see the strong foundation of fellowship and friendship instead of the foundation of an expensive home. I don't want a fancy car; I want a heavenly driver. I don't want pretty clothes; I want God's holy covering. I want calloused feet from walking out my faith and wrinkles from laughing in God's presence. Don't give me facts, statistics, or conclusions. Give me Truth, wisdom, and the unknown. I don't want to close my eyes and see this empty world. I want to open my eyes and see God's heart.

I am done with watered down faith, conditional deliverance, and static living. My life was bought at too high of a cost for me to live to play. I will not retire from my heavenly calling. I will not take a vacation from God's plan. My road will not be easy, and my destination will be far. But, God's burden is light and His path is true.

I will live as a child of God.